Fairytales of Middle-Aged Women: The Princess and the Peas

Once upon a time there was a hungry princess.  She had a kitchen full of ingredients but no actual food that could be eaten without making an effort which she was not prepared to do. She thought about going out, but knew that wasn’t going to happen.  Nor could she decide what it was she wanted because nothing sounded good.  In fact it all sounded like the food had grudges against her.  She was miserably unhappy, had a headache, and was so hungry she felt like throwing up.  Also everyone was annoying her.

While she was thinking about eating a package of dry ramen because it was easy, filling, and tasted okay, there was a twinkling light in the middle of the room, and a sound like the flutter of wings, which made her wonder if something hadn’t gotten in through the screens.  And then, before she could grab the fly swatter, before her stood a cranky-looking woman of about her own age with a pronounced frown line.

“What the fuck, princess?” the woman asked.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m your fairy godmother.  My name is Glinda.  Why are you being such a bitch?”

“I am not!”

“Yes you are.  You started last night with all that bullshit about baking ingredients.”

“Humph,” said the princess.  “I’m hungry, I hurt, and people have been pissing me off all day.”

“So what else is new?” the woman muttered. “I’m here to make sure you eat because if you don’t you’ll just get worse and there’ll be no living with you.  What do you want?”

“I dunno,” the princess whined.  “Nothing sounds good.”

Glinda rolled her eyes.

“Okay, okay, I want something with a lot of flavor, I want it to be cheap, and I want some nice looking young man to bring it to me.”

“You don’t want much, do you?”  The fairy godmother spoke fluent Sarcasm, as did the princess.  “Very well, I shall give you your wish on one condition.  You must stop being such a monumental pain in the ass.”

“I’ll do my best,” the princess promised.

Fairy godmother Glinda waved her magic food delivery wand and the doorbell rang.

Fairytale
… said the princess.

The princess answered the door and there stood a most attractive, leanly muscled young man with a dazzling smile.

“Oh… hello” she said.

“I bring food fit for a princess.  That must be you.”

“It is indeed.”

“Well your highness,” he said, falling to one knee.  “It is my honor to present you with the most delicious Chicago-style hot dog ever made, and a most excellent chocolate malt.  And some other stuff for a fairy godmother.”

The princess cooed with delight as she accepted the greasy bag from his trembling hands.  “Thank you, kind sir, and arise, Sir Knight of Superfast Food Delivery.”

“I am your servant,” he murmured, rising gracefully and backing away from her, his head bowed in reverence.

“Don’t fall down the… oh!” she said as he tumbled backwards down her front steps.

“Tis nothing!” he called from the sidewalk.

She closed the door and brought the food inside to where her fairy godmother waited.  “What’s this costing me?”

“It’s free!” Glinda informed her.

Another wish come true.

“And can you fix it so no one will piss me off again tonight?” the princess asked as she chewed a handful of fries.  (You can always tell a princess; they can make themselves understood even through a mouthful of food.)

“I can’t work miracles!” the fairy godmother insisted.  “Are you going to eat all those fries?”

And so they shared the food, and laughed about nothing special, the princess’ headache went away, and even though people were rude and stupid that night, it didn’t bother her.  It remains to be seen if she lived happily ever after, but it was a pretty good night.

The End

p.s.  No, there are no peas.  It was just a good title.

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