How to fix a sinkhole in Chicago

An excavator-mounted hydraulic jackhammer bein...
Image via Wikipedia

Because you just might need to know this.

  1. Ignore hole.  Continue to ignore until irate residents threaten to storm alderman’s office with torches and pitchforks.
  2. Put sawhorses up around hole.
  3. Ignore hole and sawhorses for at least six more months or until local child falls into hole and has to be rescued by firemen.
  4. Send a truck out to break up street with ginormous jackhammers, enlarging hole for necessary below-street repairs and proving to residents that the alderman is doing his job.  Put up more sawhorses with blinking lights, and surround area with yellow caution tape.
  5. Ignore hole for at least six more months, or until sawhorses disappear and a truck accidentally drives into hole and ends up in China.
  6. Send another guy out with another machine to make the edges of the hole perfectly straight.  Leave remnants of yellow tape tied to tree.
  7. Wait several weeks.  Send a crew out to stand around, discuss and point vaguely into hole while one guy works.
  8. Fill hole with gravel.
  9. Remove gravel.
  10. Send another guy into the hole to work while a crew watches and uses walkie-talkies.
  11. Fill hole with gravel.  Put boards over hole, erect more sawhorses with flashing lights and wrap entire area in more yellow tape.
  12. Ignore calls from irate residents about children playing on boards.
  13. As elections approach, send four cement trucks to hole.  Have them block the street while at least six workers mill around.  Fill hole with concrete and put sawhorses and tape back.  Cover fresh concrete with tarps.
  14. Remove tarps, sawhorses and tape. Hold elections.
  15. Send crew out to break up street directly across from the previous hole.
  16. Go to #5, above.  Repeat.
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